Dear Uncle Siemens

Written by Dr Klaus L.E. Kaiser

<satire> Dear Uncle Siemens,

I am hearing a lot about you in the news lately. Somehow your offshore wind turbines in the German Bight can’t deliver any power.  ABB’s HVDC converter station seems to have a fever and the prognosis is not good. Some unkind folks claim that you could catch a cold because of that. Really?  I mean what’s €500 million between friends? Especially if you can charge it to the electricity consumer! siemens

Your plans for the Libya-sized solar panels in the Sahara desert also seem to be on hold. Well, after the fiasco in Mexico where they got sand-blasted into oblivion in short order, that’s not entirely surprising. I think you need to spend a few Euros to re-educate the public on the benefits of your technologies. As the old adage (attributed to Winston Churchill) goes: never let a good crisis go to waste!

Believe me, green (like in the dollar bill green) power is the way to go!

Green Power

In any event, the deniers of green and free solar and wind power are just envious of your successes. Who cares that electricity prices in Europe are sky-rocketing and big energy-sucking industry is leaving for greener, pardon me, I mean cheaper places. They should have known that we need to “de-energize” to the level of our ancestors, the Neanderthals. Isn’t that why the government is shutting down the nuclear power plants in Germany? Isn’t that why coal has become “dirty” there as well?

It’s all so obvious; have you ever seen a coal miner coming back from his shift without being black from head to toe? How disgusting; can’t they go about their business in well-ironed suits, ties and with CLEAN HANDS and FACES?
Back to the wind power turbines though (I really hate the people who call them bird shredders): Isn’t it about time the Europeans are “getting up to speed” as well? After all, why should there be 10,000-plus defunct turbines in the U.S. and none anywhere else? This is progress and it’s simply unstoppable.

My dear wife Harrietta and I are also still saddened by Aunt Solyndra’s passing. She was such a great sport, managed to bilk the tax-payers out of half billion-plus. We got some nice holidays out of that and still do. In this context, I also want to raise another point, namely the great new German invention of the Energie-Wende (energy revolution) and the more recent Energie-Ausweis (“Energy-Passport,” EP) requirements for houses.

Energy-Passports (EPs)

With the right propaganda, I mean communication behind it, this new EP requirement can turn most home owners into your serfs! Harrietta calculated that over half of the houses in Germany are energy-deficient and in need of major energy-sanitation improvements. Actually, I think she is under-estimating the number of houses so affected. The possibilities for making hay there are enormous. What a great idea to re-invigorate the construction industry!

Therefore, I think you should re-direct your engineering prowess to help the poor home owners with the upgrades. They need more guidance on how to spend their life savings (or more!) on becoming more Neanderthal-like energy-deprived. By my own reckoning, even less than half of the houses in Germany can actually be brought up to modern EP-standards. They will all need to be razed and reconstructed from the ground up. The current occupants can be housed in yurts for the time being. If the nomads in the Asian plains can do that, why couldn’t the Bürgers of Germany?

Of course, it’s all in the name of efficiency and what other country in the world but Germany could possibly take the lead on that?

Anyway, I hope you and all your friends at the Munich Re, RWE and so on, are fine as well. Don’t let the problem at the Bard-1 offshore wind park wear you down! How could anyone think that a Swiss company, in a land-locked country, could build a converter for the high seas anyway? Your Helwin-1 HVDC converter station for the Bight will be a cinch!

I say Full Steam (or Wind) Ahead!

Your nephew


Dr. Klaus L.E. Kaiser is author of CONVENIENT MYTHS, the green revolution – perceptions, politics, and facts


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